Tuesday, January 11, 2011

Finally, something worse than cancer! :)

The thermometer read 31°F when I left the house this afternoon for a trek to Barnes & Nobles, which happens to be only fifteen minutes by feet (0.0000000000000002076518 second by Unidentified Flying Object), for the sole purpose of replacing my lost copy of Hesse's Siddhartha. RIP. Beloved novel, paperweight, pillow, thou shalt be truly missed.

There is nothing quite tantamount to the coziness of a bookstore. I know that is as cliché as cliché gets; as a child, I used to mentally fabricate conniving schemes for staying in a bookshop overnight - with my method of ninja concealment being the ability to blend in as I lie flat on the very top shelf. NERDALERT!

Passing by the new arrivals, minding my own business....what is that I see?

......Snooki wrote a book? 

Wait, hold on a second....


I spent the next few minutes on the newly-installed, carpeted floor. Here lies Marie - unconsciously bewildered in utter disbelief. Maybe 

1 - I was too quick to judge and
2 - Snooki can actually cook up a good novel

and I'd hate to be someone who automatically shoots down an idea without at least mildly entertaining it. The first chapter was titled, "Karma is a bitch, bitch." A couple more flips of the diabolical book proved those two points erroneous. How many translators did it take to have the story actually make sense? Discard all the cussing and sexual content, then this book might have an apperance on the "Summer Reading for Kids" list next to Spot Goes to School, three reading levels underneath The Rainbow Fish and just above The Very Hungry Caterpillar

Perhaps (and almost impossibly) even more pathetic is "The Situation's" book, Here's the Situation: A Guide to Creeping on Chicks. Seriously? I mean,
SERIOUSLY?! Reading such materials = enough to convert anyone to evolutionism. Any further comment is superfluous.

Snooki (and the rest of the cast), PLEASE for the sanctity of mankind and spruce trees, refrain from ever trying to prove you have anything more than the IQ of a styrofoam cup. 

Moving on to something more tremendous in importance:
Is anyone else getting increasingly creeped out by the NUMEROUS mass animal deaths, predominantly of fish and fowl, across the globe these past two weeks?

PURE INSANITY. Google even created a map just to chart the locations of each incident.
As for the many possible explanations ranging from spiritual to scientific to......extraterrestrial, I do not know who to believe. Regardless, conspiracy theories can be fun to follow. Animal suicide is not as farfetched as people might think it to be:

"In the past fifty years, 50 to 600 dogs have jumped over Scotland’s Overtoun Bridge and plummeted to their deaths. A few years ago, five dogs jumped in under six months. The Daily Mail wrote an article featuring reports of horrified pet owners who walked their dog over the bridge, when suddenly the dog would, without warning, leap over the bridge, falling 50ft to the rocky bottom below. Perhaps even more disturbing, there are reports of 'second timers' – of the few dogs who have survived the fall, some jumped over the same bridge again."

Whoa. Whoaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. A Christian friend promised me a mango shake from Red Mango if the world does NOT end this May 21st.

With all these deaths in sea life (MANATEES, PENGUINS, AND WHALES TOO?! NOOOoOOooOOOoO!!!!!!), I sense something reeeeeeeeeeeeeeeallyyyy fishy. (Sorry, I had to.)

Though I cannot avoid how strangely biblical these events seem; it gives me the shivers.

I'm afraid..

....a mango shake is on the line here.


  1. She's really fucking ugly. I hate that stupid "poof" of hers.

  2. I would be more concerned about where will I spend all Eternity when I die and of course U will....maybe soon? Who knows. Just a thought.
    The young die too. Sad isn't it?

  3. You seem cool, but this Bagel Guy fellow seems just a little fucknuts.

  4. i like that word: fucknuts. Filed: creative cursing.

  5. My thoughts on Snooki: