Tuesday, May 17, 2011

Miracle on......32nd Street?

.....took the form of a 99¢ store?

This is me. Serious as ever when I tell you that this place was built on the 6th day. When God said, "Be fruitful and multiply," he meant to tell us that learning our multiplication tables would serve beneficial to calculate the total cost of our purchases = 99¢(x), x being the number of items purchased. He could've also said "Be fruitful and add," but addition is lame. Multiplication is for teh COOL kids. OoOoOohhh yeeeeah.

The place?
Jack's 99¢ Store 
and for those also residing in New York, chu know what I'm talkin' bouts.

Three floors. Rows and rows of EVERYTHING under the sun. Pots, pans, screwdrivers, acrylic paint, Windex, backscratchers, decorated frames, soccer balls, ovens, daffodil seeds, nail polish, tricycles, Squirmles, weird frozen salmon-looking thing, tea, you name it. They even sell lottery tickets there. EVERYTHING (but they had me at "backscratchers"). I literally roamed around the building like
with the ferality of a rabies victim. This wasn't because the products were stellarific; a great portion of them were, not surprisingly, churned out in massive quantities by factories in China that hire a trillion of 45-cents-per-hour employees. Read: crap quality and questionable composition. I wouldn't even think of buying half the things, but what amazed me was the variety of crap they had! I mean, I wouldn't trust the "hydracortisone" cream or the salmon-looking thing they had goin' on thurr, but who can deny a store that sells......POLYESTER BEAR-LIKE STAR MERMAIDS?
Wow, these toys are a touch seductive. I wish my lashes were this long, and the last mermaid has more of a body than I do. /CUTS. 

They even sold a flavor of Chex Mix that I never knew existed. CHIPOTLE CHEDDAR?? OMG? I stood in front of the junk food stand like a crazy and went apeshit at the idea of chipotle cheddar as my friend dragged me away from that aisle. I has lunch already, but I will be back for you, my fair maiden<3. Lastly, 360 peet of ribbon. For 99 cents. Do you realize how much ribbon that is?? I DON'T THINK YOU COMPREHEND THE ESSENCE OF 360 PEET. :'( 
EUREKA, I've found the perfect place to seek shelter when amidst some type of twisted environmental apocalypse. I will live off of the frozen paninis on the first floor, record my everyday on the canvases on the second, and toast said frozen paninis on the third. No electricity? They sell fuel. :)

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